Here is a side of me which I have never revealed on my blog. Since I have shared other aspects of my being, I think it only fair to continue this tradition of transparency. So here is the experience I wish to relate.
Like anyone else on this planet, I am a human being rich with complexities and have many stories to tell. But what I have to say here is not a happy story. In fact, it is a very sad one.
The issues with which I am challenged are seemingly insurmountable. They have been with me for a long, long time, are deeply rooted, and have severely affected my life in many ways and on many levels. On the surface, I appear very "normal", however, upon closer examination things are anything but that.
I was the first and last born to the Drake family. Because my birth was a difficult one, my mother couldn't have any more children. If she had, she, in all likelihood, would have died.
While I had a relatively happy childhood and had a close bond with my mother, my parents fought constantly. The disputes sometimes bordered on physical violence. I would often intervene by acting as a buffer between my mother and father when the confrontations became particularly heated. I recall many times that even after the fighting had stopped my father's anger would linger in the air days afterward. It was so thick that you could cut it with a knife. There were also times that at night the house would remain dark while my father seethed with anger.
As a particularly sensitive child, the constant barrage of anger did take its toll on me. That toll was deeply psychological in nature, which was far more insidious than anything physical. As a means of self-preservation, I turned myself inward, much of this, I think, at an unconscious level. While this strategy may have served me well for that time, it remained intact well beyond that time and, in retrospect, has obviously impeded my growth as a human being. To compound this, other issues have had profound influences upon my life to which I shall now turn.
I have been on this earth for 47 years and my life thus far has been like a series of unfinished symphonies. Back in the early 1980s when I should have graduated from high school, it never happened. I never identified or connected with any of my peers. I was a quiet and lone individual - a real introvert - who repeatedly excelled in failure, especially where academics were concerned. These inabilities to excel academically stemmed not from loathing school, but, on the contrary, from not being able to do the work. Everything from English to mathematics was affected. At that time no real intervention was undertaken to help me with my issues. Finally midway through grade 11, under tremendous personal pressures, I dropped out of school. Since that time and because of the severity of my academic issues, I haven't set foot in a school.
There was only one time in my academic career that my light shone brightly and that was back in grade 6.
After leaving school and for much of the 1980s, I simply remained at home in a kind of cocoon. Finally in 1988, I ventured out into the working world. From 1989 until 2009, I had a series of jobs in the world of retail, first photographic and later computer in nature. In a couple of those jobs, management tried to promote me but, unfortunately, with disastrous results. In those cases, I was laid off.
Even in the jobs which I have had, I have always been plagued by uncertainty, inadequacy, and not being able to learn the tasks and duties associated with the position properly or in a timely fashion. My mind seems to be my own worst enemy because I have great issues retaining information, or I only retain a minute portion of that information. The funny thing is that I love learning, but I am greatly frustrated by the tremendous uphill battles I have to face each time I do want to learn something. My interests are varied, including astronomy, computers and photography.
Still on the topic of employment, whenever I have attended interviews, I have always been very quiet. In addition, fear and anxiety have been common companions. Any information which the interviewer needs has to be drawn out of me. When I do respond, it has always been in a very muted tone.
Since 1989 I have had some testing done related to challenges with learning, but nothing really conclusive has resulted. A few years ago I converted all the tests into a small web site which you can view here.
One of the sections on this small site includes a diagnosis of a non-hyperactive form of attention deficit disorder (commonly known as ADD), which was done in May 2002. One of the things which was bourne out of this testing was that on an unconscious level my attention begins to drift after a few seconds. This was demonstrated when I was asked to read a passage from a book, but to read that passage only with my eyes. If my concentration has a tendency to drift like it did in that testing, one wonders about how greatly this has affected (and how it continues to affect) my ability to learn and function in life in general.
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