Feelings

Last night I did something of which I am not proud. In my mind I thought that I was doing the right thing at the time, but it backfired on me and I am now worried that I may have severely - or worse, irreparably - damaged my connection with Blair.

Since he announced at the end of July that he didn't have the same feelings for me as I did for him, it left a void in my life. I heard his words that night and cried, but on some level part of me did not want to deal with it or accept it. Even now, I care deeply for him and I always will. In my eyes he is a beautiful man still.

Fast forward to September and the full impact of his words that night came crashing through. Since then, I have been all over the emotional map. There have been times when I have simply broken down and cried because of the waves of emotion coursing through me.

Since the breakup a couple of issues have been playing on my mind and I wanted to discuss them with him. So just to make certain that we would get together this weekend, I typed up a short letter. Then with letter in hand, I hopped on my bike and dropped it off at his place. I simply left it on his door for him to find.

A few hours later I received an angry email from Blair. Basically it stated that I had overstepped my bounds and that I was acting selfishly. The email also expressed certain personal issues in his life with which he is now grappling, including having to move out of his current living space, which he is doing so with great reluctance. This alone has created considerable stress for him and it saddens me to see him that way.

I know in that email he sent me there was lots of anger, powerlessness, and frustration talking. I just made it worse by dropping off that letter in the way that I did. I freely admit that I was acting selfishly that night.

My biggest mistake was not taking into account or respecting how he was (and is) feeling and his need for his own space right now.

I am truly and deeply sorry, Blair.


-- Post From My iPhone